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Thursday, November 16, 2006Oh... To Be Lucky
My friend, Amber, got engaged over the weekend.
I’m so happy for her – she’s totally excited and giddy about the whole thing. Yesterday afternoon, we talked and talked about wedding ideas and what it would mean to be MARRIED. I happened to do a lot of the talking; surprisingly. It was so out of character for me – to act like a “girl” and want to play dress-up; dress-up in a bridal gown.
I drove home last night thinking how LUCKY she was to have someone say to her: I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I choose you, above all others. You’re the person that I want to wake up to everyday – rain or shine. No matter how bad it may get, we’ll get through it together. How lucky for anyone to say that to us.
It made me realize how much I want to be married; how much I want for someone to say those words to me and to make that type of life-commitment to me. …And how much I want to say and live that commitment to another person. There are moments when I question if that will ever happen – will someone ever really love me enough to choose me, above all else? It is moments like this that make me sad…and lonely.
I drove home, lost in my thoughts and wondering what the future holds. I thought about those words that I’ve never heard… about the bachelor-ette party that I WANT to have, but the one that I won’t GET to have…if I have one at all…about the kind of life that I want to make with another...about what it would mean to have a true partnership… I thought about a lot of things…
I guess those thoughts have stayed with me today. I can’t seem to focus. This computer screen is staring back at a blurry-eyed girl – wanting, almost desperately, to be loved the way that Amber is loved. I feel bad about being envious. She’s just so lucky…
I’m 28 years old and my proverbial “clock” is ticking… LOUDLY.