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By visiting this site, you read at your own risk. I am known for errors in grammar and spelling. If you become less intelligent by reading this site, become incredibly bored, or are disgusted by what you read - you were warned. Furthermore, I will not be held responsible for ANY mental, emotional, physical, financial, or spiritual damage to you, your friends, your family or strangers. I apologize to my friends and family if I embarrass you. I reserve the right to edit any and all comments on this blog. I also reserve the right to humiliate you if you dare say anything negative about me, my friends, my family, or strangers who I like.
Friday, December 31, 2004New Year's Resolutions
HAPPY NEW YEAR! WELCOME 2005!
I'm not one for resolutions every 365 days (or 366, if you will). But, as I got to thinking, there are a few things that I would like to change:
Eat more chocolate.
Take up smoking.Wait at least three days before showering.
Sneeze on someone at every opportunity.
Try to gain at least twenty more pounds over the next few months.
Um, yeah, that sounds about right...
I usually don't make resolutions because people don't regard them. It's about setting goals and making conscious lifestyle changes. Whether it's losing weight, saving money, quitting smoking, or whatever, it's about choice and it's about better living.
These things I want the most (to be a better friend, to be better at listening to others, to be involved with a man who really SEES me, read more, smile more) are all things that will take a lot of patience, understanding, commitment and passion. ...BUT IT IS WORTH IT...
Thursday, December 30, 2004My Hideaway Place
Every now and then, I feel the need to just get away.
Tonight I put 70 miles on my car before I realized where I really wanted to go. It's a place I've been going to for years. A place that allows me to be who I am, to sit and think or reflect on Life. I've done a lot of thinking there - about friends, family, relationships, who I am, where I'm going, what really matters, and sometimes, just to think about nothing at all. I feel safe there and at peace.
I sat there for nearly two hours without realizing it, tonight. I watched others come and sit too. We all needed something from that place; maybe we just needed each other. I watched, too, the life of a city on my left and the vast darkness of the Pacific Ocean on my right. The moon made an appearance a few times - like a copper penny in the sky. I sat there. And stared.
If you asked me where this place is, I wouldn't tell you. It's mine. I can be completely anonymous there and soak up everything that is pure and beautiful about Southern California. I can be anyone and everyone at the same time. I can watch the world go by or just sit and let my head spin. I have found my place and it is my secret.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BRO!
I can't believe you're 19 today. Where has the time gone?
So many memories fill my mind and so much love is in my heart. Even though you pooped and peed on me as a baby... Even though you got me so MAD that I chased you around with a knife, once... Even though you jumped out and scared me because you thought it was funny (well, until I started hitting you)... Even though you got that damn RCA dog that was soooo cute and then never played with it ~ but wouldn't let me have it, either... Even though I still pay for trips to the movies... Even though you loaned me your car with a bunch of shit in the trunk and a weird "boy funk" that never quite left the backseat... Even though you pinned me down and hung a big goo of spit over my face...
I LOVE YOU.
Godspeed, Little Man.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004Extra Weight
For the last two weeks, there has been 'extra weight' on my chest that is driving me absolutely crazy. Imagine two five pound weights being strapped to 'them' (or if you're a guy reading this some other ~ just as sensitive region) and then imagine the soreness that comes with such weight. I've been wearing additional clothing to bed, just to keep those suckers in place. I've been trying to avoid caffeine because that is supposed to have something to do with it... I don't know...
The only GOOD thing about this is that they're HUGE! Yay!
This isn't so abnormal when you're expecting a monthly visit from Mother Nature. She's due today... I hope she didn't miss the train.
Napoleon Dynamite, to be exact. I rented this movie last night and was LAUGHING OUT LOUD, alone in my apartment. There were even a couple of times where I had to pause the DVD so that I could laugh hysterically. I'm not kidding you - tears were, at one point, rolling down my face.
This is an awesome movie about a bunch of nerdy kids and their messed up lives. ~The nerd "complex" included. I can't say that I could relate to any of the characters, but I definitely knew a few of these types of kids growing up. The funny thing is - they KNOW their nerds and they DON'T CARE. It's awesome.
The bonus features on the DVD are well worth it, too. Read (or fast forward) through the credits, as there is more to the story at the very, very, very end... If you haven't seen this DYNAMITE movie, go rent it now. Go NOW. I'm serious - stop reading and GO.
I work on a five-star rating (take it for what it's worth). This one is definitely FIVE STAR.
Monday, December 27, 2004Renewed Faith
Okay, so maybe ALL men are NOT bastards.
Some actually don't have to be taught chivalry ~ they just do it.
Some actually won't fight with you over a check at dinner ~ they just take it.
Some actually move closer to you on the couch ~ just because.
I was nervous for all the right reasons. (Even an accidental brush of the hand made my heart beat faster.) And he... well, he was just a perfect gentleman.
It's a nice reminder that holding out for a good guy really is worth it.
PS - HAPPY 29th ANNIVERSARY, MOM & DAD!
Sunday, December 26, 2004
This is my family, Christmas morning. Brother is torturing the dog and looking at me like I'm crazy. Mom trying to figure out the digital camera - AGAIN. Dad is hiding in the lower left-hand corner - see that red blog resembling a Santa hat? Gotta love the holidays...
He REALLY can be sweet...
Thursday, December 23, 2004Holiday Cheer
In the spirit of the season, I would like to wish everyone Happy Holidays! This has truly been a remarkable year... one filled with many joys and sorrows. At the end of the day, if you've had a moment to reflect on all that is and all that is to be, I hope a smile comes to your face. Each day is about LIVING, moment in and moment out; it's the little things that can sometimes make all the difference.
Thank you for your support, your loyalty, your readership, your understanding, your honesty, and above all, your friendship. It means the world to me.
Love and best wishes,
PS - I'll be "home" for the next few days. Be back soon! (Safe travels to anyone leaving town.)
Wednesday, December 22, 2004Laughter
My cheeks hurt from all the laughter of the morning. First things first: When I left my bathroom this morning, the clock on the wall read 5:42 - go figure.
Then I get to work and find this fantastic link of kids who get freaked out about Santa: http://www.southflorida.com/events/sfl-scaredsanta,0,2245506.photogallery?index=1 Seeing kids go through some sort of abuse that is accepted by society cracks me up (I can be demented at times, I know).
I then start chatting with a colleague of mine about the interview process here at work. The things people do, say, and are nervous about for job interviews are hilarious. If you don't have an experience like that, where you can look back and laugh, you're missing out.
It's only 9:30am and the whole day is in front of me. My cheeks may not be able to stand all this good cheer.
Tuesday, December 21, 2004Clock On The Wall
This past Sunday, the clock in my bathroom died at approximately 6:45. The funny thing about Duracell batteries is that they don't just DIE, die, they choke and cough and hiccup a few times before they die. So, when I was getting ready on Monday morning, the clock on the wall said 7:20. And today, it landed at 8:34.
I can't wait to see what time I get home tonight. My bet is on 9:10.
Monday, December 20, 2004Thinking...
Today, someone said something that made me stop and think - YES! THAT'S IT! She said...
"I have never been so alive, and yet, so on the verge of collapse."
Saturday, December 18, 2004Holiday Hangovers
Last night we had our office Holiday Party. Between the nine of us, we did some damage. I'm sure the pictures tell it all... (Enough said, I think.)
WARNING: Alcohol-induced coma on the way
A taste of what was to come
Friday, December 17, 2004Sick
I'm sick and miserable and there's nothing I can do about it. Blah...
My eyes are watering, my throat is hurting, my ears are in pain, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I cough, I ache, I lose my balance, and above all, I bit my tongue. Thank you, NyQuil, for helping me get an hour's worth of sleep last night.
I must have gotten this bug from our kids - thanks guys. You take your finals, you come tell me about them, you get me sick and then YOU LEAVE for the Holidays. Bastards.
We have our office Holiday party tonight and already, the whining has begun. We are all not feeling well, together, which makes us that much more pleasant to be around.
I'm supposed to go to a friend's Company Christmas Party tomorrow. Can't say I'll be much fun, but I'll try. I'm sure I'll look stunning, to say the least (HA!).
My brother is coming home tonight from Oklahoma. He's done blowing shit up - at least, for now. If we hadn't gotten into a fight earlier this week, I would be dedicating a whole post exclusively to the HOMECOMING. Instead, I'm going to go take more medicine.
Thursday, December 16, 2004Not So Fun
Depression is a serious and misunderstood disease. I know, because I live with it every day of my life.
My symptoms didn't start becoming evident until my late teen years. And even then, it was hard to identify.
A number of things have happened in my past which should be good enough "reasons" as an excuse for depression. But there is more to it than that. For the most part, I believe depression is genetic. While there is no "cure" there are ways of treating it. Medication, which I'm on; Therapy, which I've done; Exercise, which I do; and positive reinforcement, which is hard to come by.
Tonight, as I sit in my office an hour and a half past 5:00pm, the depression is getting to me. Somewhere, the hormone levels in my brain aren't adjusting themselves and, as a consequence, I can't stop crying. Coupled with the fact that I'm a glutton for punishment, all I can think about are those things which make me sad. I know that there are things to help pull myself out of this mood; but it's hard to get motivated to do. Of course I want to feel better. If I had it my way, I would never feel like this. I also know that come tomorrow, I'll be fine.
I'm always FINE and don't you forget it.
Even when things are going well, I can find myself feeling lost and alone. It's a terrible and almost impossible thing to live with. A terrifying roller coaster with more twists and turns than anyone should have to endure. I know that this night will pass and that tomorrow will bring new hope for a better day. Every day is an opportunity for "better" things.
It has taken me just over five years to write this post... it was started in December 2004 and I finally finished it in January 2010. Depression still plagues my life - even though all is well and there is much to look forward to. This disease takes hold and never lets up... it's still awful. And there are days when I'm just sad.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004What Not To Do
Don't sign a Happy Holidays card with "hope you get lots of presents under the tree" when the person who is receiving the card happens to be Jewish.
Monday, December 13, 2004Who Done It?!?!
I'm not a big fan of pooping at work, but if you must, can you please flush the toilet a couple of times before you leave?
Today, someone left some nasty skid marks on the bottom of the toilet bowl in the women's restroom. All together now: EWWW. Come on people! I don't want to see it and neither does anyone else! It's not hard to just wait and flush once more before you leave the stall!
I'm just sayin'...
Sunday, December 12, 2004This Back Is Finally Broken
Today is the day that the straw finally broke this camel's back. I'm so pissed off right now, I'm shaking.
My heart is breaking, once again. You were supposed to call today...
Saturday, December 11, 2004
Christmas Party 2004
Tonight we had our annual Christmas Party (for everyone in the company). Whoo-HOO! Fun times, let me tell you...
Having an all-female staff can sometimes prove to be very entertaining. This was the first time that EVERYONE from the staff showed up to this particular event. Three of us were date-less, the only married woman brought her hubby, one colleague brought a boyfriend, and the other three women brought female friends... that makes 13. Even though the tables were only set for 10, we managed to squeeze in 11 at our table (located in the back - furthest from the bar). We were, by far, the loudest group in the room. Once all the food had been consumed, a few bottles of wine emptied, and all the old people started clearing out, we got our groove on the dance floor. The best part of the night was just being one of the girls... I loved it.
I had gone shopping the night before to find something to wear to this shin-dig. While I have a lot of dresses from sorority college-days and from weddings that I've been in, I needed something new... I bought a great high-neck halter-top thing that went great with these silk pants I found at the back of my closet. I looked classy. I had my hair cut earlier in the day, but needed help figuring out what to do with it. My roommate had been hiding in his room all day, so I called my boss for over-the-phone (HELP) tips and decided to finish getting ready at her house. (This is when I love girl-friends... they always come through in a pinch: "Just come over and finish getting ready, here! I live 12 minutes from the restaurant and we can drink before we go over!" YAY!) Needless to say, my hair didn't get "done" but really, who am I trying to impress?
My married colleague and the girl with the boyfriend left early, while the rest of us shook our asses on the dance floor until the party came to an end. We were the only ones left...
Here a few (tame) pictures from the night. Please don't judge the hair...
This coming Friday, our staff will have OUR annual dinner and present exchange. All the girls will be heading to a great restaurant/bar in Long Beach. If you're in the neighborhood, feel free to stop in and join in on the festivities! (PS - I can't wait!)
Friday, December 10, 2004Free Dirt!
Over the course of the past year, I have been watching an interesting phenomenon on my drive to work. As I exit the freeway, there is a mound of dirt that has been dug up by construction crews and abandoned. When they first dug it all up, they had posted a sign on top of it saying, FREE DIRT! Well, I guess not enough people got jazzed up about the notion of FREE DIRT! so this mound has been sitting there ever since.
There must have been some fertilizer mixed in with the FREE DIRT! The mound that was once just dirt, has now evolved into a grassy knoll. And it's big. The construction crews have long since left their site, the FREE DIRT! was never taken, and thus, nature took hold. If it wasn't such an awkward mound, I might consider taking a picnic up there...
Thursday, December 09, 200475, AGAIN
The warm weather is upon us again... Southern California, you're in for a beautiful weekend; which is good if you like the warm weather in December.
As for me, I'm not too thrilled.
Wednesday, December 08, 2004Geography Is A BITCH
I seem to have a habitual bad habit of finding amazing men who don't live in the Los Angeles area. Maybe they all seem that much more amazing BECAUSE they don't live in the Los Angeles area. Of course, all men being bastards, I'm sure that if they were geographically desireable, I wouldn't like them as much. And let's be honest, there is great security in knowing that my life won't be too interrupted by dating someone who lives hundreds or thousands of miles away.
Here's a brief list: (names have been withheld to protect the "innocent")
Boy from Canada (dated for six months)
Boy from North Carolina (dated for a whole two weeks)
Boy from New York, who lived in L.A. and decided to move to Texas only to move back to New York once all was said and done
Boy in Colorado (let's not talk about this one)
Boy in Georgia
Boy in San Francisco (dated on and off again for a year - he's now married)
Boy in San Diego (dated a couple of times)
Oh, and of course we can't forget the famed boy in Las Vegas... he stole my heart...
Isn't this incredible? Even now, as I look back over the list, I can't help but wonder - WHERE ARE ALL THE GOOD MEN IN L.A.?
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
These last two days have been... well, interesting, to say the least. Here's a little slice of my life...
Sunday - I woke up enough to take a shower, put on a robe, and promptly take a three hour nap before heading to the Ritz Carlton Hotel for a fancy shmancy dinner. My friend from Texas is in town and we got to sit next to each other during the dinner. I got to hear about how all of my other friends are having sex (threesomes, even!), and reminded of how I'M NOT! Dammit...
Monday - I was put in charge of a thingy at work that was sort of a big deal. So, after hours of stress and anxiety the program ended on a high note, happy to report - thank you very much - and I headed home. Now, because I didn't have a chance to get much sleep the night before (I was up until 3:30am in the morning, on the phone, which turned out to be a DISASTER - boy trouble, of course) I was exhausted. BUT, since I'm a glutton for punishment, I talked with a friend until all hours of the evening...
Tuesday - Today was a good day. Work was busy - but a good kind of busy. The rain moved in late this afternoon which makes for an awesome evening to curl up next to a fire and drink loads of hot chocolate. The lights on our balcony look very festive and I'm in my "comfort zone," sweats and all... (Random tangent: There is a pinched nerve or something on the right side of my ass, so all day, my ass has been twitching. Even as I sit here now, my ass is twitching... Ugh...)
So, that's it.
Sunday, December 05, 2004
He's gone... AGAIN.
This time, I thought it would be different. I thought he would stay. I thought we could end up together.
I'm doing my best to not feel used.
Not a word... just gone.
At least I still have my Mr.Wonderful doll. Thank you, Mr.Wonderful, for not abandoning me. I love you, too. Yes I do, yes I dooo... (she coos)
Saturday, December 04, 2004Searching For Buried Treasure...?
Why is it that people pick their noses in cars? I mean, I really don't get it. When you're in your car, you are SURROUNDED by windows -- you do know that, right? People can see in those windows, just like you can see out of them. So, STOP IT!
While driving through (FABULOUS) Santa Monica today, I saw at least half a dozen people picking their noses while in cars. It's gross. Come on, folks.
Stop it, just stop it.
Friday, December 03, 2004...SIGH...
Have you ever met your other "self"? What I mean is...that one or two other people who are made from the very same fabric as you - shares your beliefs, lives your life... but lives somewhere else? Mine happens to live in New York and my other "self" happens to be male (surprise, surprise). We look nothing alike (in fact, he IS the love-child of Colin Farrell and Robert Downey Jr.), but share every attribute otherwise. We are both very sexual beings, both spiritual though not religious, adventurous, kind-hearted, shallow, sincere, honest, political without being too pushy, healthy, and spirited.
I saw him earlier this week when I was in New York. I hadn't seen him in about two years but oh... SIGH... how I wish things were different. If we lived closer to one another, I'm sure we would date again. (Even though it would be weird to date someone who is so similar to me.) I was reminded of just how comfortable and GOOD about being ME when I was with him.
I'll probably NEVER see him again but I'll always know my male counterpart is out there. SIGH.
Thursday, December 02, 2004WARNING LABEL
We’re not all made with WARNING LABELS. I’m sorry to break it to you. I don’t come with a warning label, a warranty, a troubleshooting manual, a customer service center, or any sort of device that will help you figure me out. I will admit to you this:
Please don’t hold these things against me. I know I’m not perfect (okay, not even close to it), but accept me for all these things and love me anyway. Along with such a list comes a very real, honest, passionate, funny, spirited, well-intentioned, weird, soulful, kind, and above all, LOVING, person. I hope you understand.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004Can you tell we're family?
Jessica, Mom, Dad - at the Macy's Day Parade
Last Thursday, my family woke up early to stand outside for three hours to watch a parade. Not just any parade, mind you, THE PARADE. Even as a kid I was never a big parade fan, but this was something that just had to be done. I can now say I went to the Macy's Day Parade, just for the novelty of it all. One thing that I can tell you about events such as these: There is a certain camaraderie that develops between people in such situations. Take, for example, our incident which bound everyone in our circle standing at Central Park West and 67th Street. Three bastard teenage kids (okay, maybe they were 12 and maybe they all have fathers) tried to charm (aka - weasel) their way into our standing area just before the parade was about to begin. The audacity of such young fools! Well, together in our united front, my mom, two NY women (much older), a Texan woman and her husband, along with two other Louisiana belles (again, both much older) put those kids in their rightful spot. We kicked them to the curb, so to speak. By no means were any of us mean to them, but these little punks really thought they were going to sneak their way into our sacred ground? Ground, which we had preserved and claimed as our own for nearly two hours? HELL NO! Those kids learned a hard, but valuable, lesson that day: You may be young, sweet, and innocent - but I'm bigger than you, I make more money than you, and I can outwit you any day of the year. (Oh, and don't mess with a bunch of hormone-induced women; especially when the chance to be on television is on the line!)