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By visiting this site, you read at your own risk. I am known for errors in grammar and spelling. If you become less intelligent by reading this site, become incredibly bored, or are disgusted by what you read - you were warned. Furthermore, I will not be held responsible for ANY mental, emotional, physical, financial, or spiritual damage to you, your friends, your family or strangers. I apologize to my friends and family if I embarrass you. I reserve the right to edit any and all comments on this blog. I also reserve the right to humiliate you if you dare say anything negative about me, my friends, my family, or strangers who I like.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007What Is That Smell?
I think employers should notify prospective employees of "external factors" which may be part of the decision-making process when deciding to accept a job position. I found out, TODAY, after more than six months employment, that the building behind our parking lot is a mortuary. Okay - kind of creepy. But what makes it worse is that they cremate people there - which accounts for the BIG ASS smoke stack that is towards the back of the building. Every now and then, I see smoke emerging from the stack - but I really never gave it a second thought. UNTIL NOW!
Apparently, in the summer time when it's all hot and sticky outside, when the old people can't take the heat and literally drop like flies, there is a certain SMELL that permeates the air around the parking lot and our building. (EWWW... I'm on the verge of throwing up, just thinking about it.) And oh, the ashes create a thin layer of film on our cars. (Okay, that's it - the vomit is creeping up the back of my throat.)
They should have really told me about all of this before I started working here. I'm totally obsessed by this - I keep looking out my window; waiting for a Hurst to roll up; waiting for the bodies to be burned; waiting for the smoke; the smell; the ash; THE VOMIT.
Thursday, January 25, 2007The Morning Juggle
Every morning, on my way into work, I join the circus for about a minute.
Let me explain. I'm one of those women who generally carries a big purse with her at all times - it's annoying to have so much stuff and so much weight, but I honestly need everything in there... the lipstick, the cell phone, the wallet, the book, the keys, the sunglasses, the driving glasses, the Kleenex, the bills I eventually have to pay, the tampons, the pens, etc. But I also like to stop at Starbucks for my giant vat of caffeine and for the butter croissant (mmm... delicious). And recently, I've purchased a small(er) space heater for my office and for my side of the bed at home - which, of course, means that it comes with me TO work and TO home each day. Throw in a couple of cds (or a stack) for good measure.
If you have been keeping track, that's about five things that I'm trying to carry as I make my way into the office. All of our doors are locked, naturally, so I also have to keep a hand free to unlock the doors and get myself upstairs to my office where I can unload. So far, I've done a good job of not dropping anything really important, spilling all over myself, or losing my balance. And every morning it's the same thing. You would think I would have this down to an art - but every morning I curse myself for having so much SH!T.
I may not have any special talent or skill - but this should definitely become part of my resume.
Thursday, January 18, 2007How To Impress Your Boss
While in an impromptu meeting, notice that the tampon you have been meaning to change all day is sticking out of your pocket - in plain view.
Monday, January 15, 2007Living With The Boyfriend, Part I
As the dust begins to settle (literally) around here, Blair and I are getting into the groove of this whole living together thing. We are learning more about one another (like, I'm learning just HOW MUCH boys fart... and he's learning just HOW NEUROTIC I can be). Slowly, we are developing a routine and slowly (like, a direction-less snail stuck in a pool of molasses in the dead of winter and traveling up hill) we are making it work. We have some challenges... but we mostly have a lot of fun. I can't remember the last time I've laughed so much. I can't remember the last time someone was so thoughtful towards me (he brings me flowers, corn-nuts, chocolate; he is willing to throw away most of his furniture to make room for mine, he hugs me every time I say "this isn't going to work" and he truly makes every effort to make me gag with his gas.) Even though we have no heat, and it's in the twenties outside, and even though I HATE living in this place with a commute from HELL, I love being here with his man...
Friday, January 05, 2007People Who Work At Starbucks Must Have Graduated From McDonalds
I admit that I worked at a coffeeshop for a while and that I may not have been the World's Best Barista. However, I do have common sense which is more than I can say for some of our friends at Starbucks.
I am a tea drinker. That means that I drink tea. No coffee for me. No cup 'o joe, EVER. But that message may not be all that clear - I can understand the confusion: NO COFFEE is hard to interpret.
So I'm on my way into work this morning and I make my frequent stop at the Starbucks nearby. They have a couple of new staff members in there, or shifts have changed, so there are a few new faces who don't know me. YET. I order my usual, "Venti Earl Grey tea with only one tea bag," I say. Seems like a simple enough order, right? Apparently not, because the girl (and I swear to God this is true) looks at me with a weird expression… goes behind the counter and starts to pour a large coffee. I tell her, again, that I asked for tea. Now, mind you, this is a seemingly normal young lady who speaks perfect English. She then reaches for a small cup and starts to pour hot water. Again, I speak up and say that I wanted a large – even though I should only be charged for a small. (Essentially, I’m paying for the tea bag. This is why I stressed the “only one tea bag” part of my order.) Now the girl is utterly confused. She comes back to the counter, looks at me squarely, and asks “you want a tall tea but in a venti cup?” “YES. I want more water.” Okay, now I assume we are making progress. She then tells me that she has to ask her manager. ARE YOU FREAKIN’ KIDDING ME? WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT FOR HER TO UNDERSTAND? The manager is standing nearby (thankfully) and repeats what I have already told her – “put one tea bag in a venti cup, but charge her for a tall.” TA DA! BRILLIANT!
After she brings the correct drink over to the counter and rings me up, she looks at me and says, “a venti tea but charged for a tall?” THIS GIRL STILL DOESN’T GET IT. If I had balls, I would have replied “sh!t for brains but works at Starbucks?”
Monday, January 01, 2007Happy New Year - 2007!
Happy New Year!
I hope all of you have a safe, happy, and healthy 2007! Maybe this New Year will bring us all peace and joy... of some kind. My kind of peace and joy comes in the form of cash. For you, it may mean a new job; a healthier lifestyle; your team winning the BIG GAME; a loved one coming home from Iraq; new boobs; whatever...
So here's to 2007! May this year be one to cherish!
Blair and I were in Las Vegas to ring in the New Year. Here is a picture in front of Bellagio, at 11:45pm, December 31st. We were standing next to all those people who kept peeing into the fountain/lake.