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Friday, October 12, 2007Breathe. Just Breathe.
Joe is going to be a father.
For those who don't remember, Joe was my first boyfriend. He was my first love, the first guy I got totally giddy about. Remember those high school days when we were full of reckless abandonment; didn't give a f*ck about anything other than ourselves; got the first taste of LIFE; and found that one person who was IT? That was him. He was my ... well, he was my everything - and for that, I'll always be fond of him and our friendship. He got married a few years ago (when he really shouldn't have). He's totally unhappy in his marriage (even split up from his bitch-of-a-wife in April) and now they're having a baby.
And, at first, I was speechless.
I just sat in my car, with the rain pouring down all around me, and heard the news. I felt my face get flush and my eyes started brimming with tears. He kept talking and all I could think about was - HE'S HAVING A BABY. He kept talking - saying that he's thrown himself into work and he's bought a few baby books and he's going to New York this weekend and... HE'S HAVING A BABY.
Being the suave person I am, I asked all the wrong questions and probably said something I shouldn't have. "Do you think she did this on purpose?" (He doesn't know.) "Are you happy about becoming a dad?" (There are some days when he's happy about it.) "Do you have any names picked out?" (Riley if it's a girl and Connor if it's a boy.) And, at one point, when I tried to gather myself, I said "Congratulations; I know you're going to be a great dad." And I meant it.
I don't know why I'm so upset about it. Maybe because I want him to be happy (and I hate knowing that he's not). Maybe because I think this is a terrible situation. Maybe because I believe that having a baby under these circumstances is just plain unfair for that kid. Maybe because I hate myself for hoping that this isn't really happening. Maybe because a long time ago, Joe and I had picked out our kids names: Kaylin and Matthew.
I keep reminding myself to breathe. Just breathe. Things will work out for them; Joe is one of the luckiest people on Earth. -And while I still care for him, this doesn't concern me. It's his life - his choices.