Thursday, October 28, 2004

An Apology

This is hard for me. This will be hard for you too - to understand, that is. You see, I feel compelled to offer an apology to a certain member of the male population who I have done wrong. Yes, I’m not perfect and I made a mistake. My mistake was this: I dated.

Apparently, someone who I was dating for a little while fell in love with me and assumed that we were in an exclusive relationship. Now before you all start sending me hate-mail, listen to my side. I told him, from day one, that I was not in a position to be in an exclusive relationship at the time. While I don’t necessarily prefer dating, I was getting a lot of good offers and there were a lot of things going on in my life to just be tied to one person. I think that’s rather normal for a mid-twenty year-old woman... Anyway, I don’t know if he just forgot that part or what but he didn’t take it too well when I told him that I had been seeing other people. (Lesson here for other -perhaps younger- readers: DON’T TELL THEM!) I didn’t realize that by being honest and straightforward, I would not ever see this person again! What’s more is that his job keeps him busy so much of the time that we didn’t even get to have a normal dating life together! It sucked! Is it so wrong to want to go out and get dinner or go to a movie (or something else just as cliche)? I don’t want to be a prisoner in my own home and not have the opportunity to go out, on account of this person’s schedule with work. (Is this making any sense at all?)

The sad thing about all of this is that I truly care about this person. While I’m not in love with him, he’s a great guy - amazing, funny, intelligent, interesting, all of it. I enjoy every moment of our time together - or at least, I did. And now, I feel this need to apologize in an open forum so the world knows how truly sorry I am. I’m sorry that I said anything and I’m sorry for the way things turned out. I hope someday I can be forgiven.

It’s been over a month since all of this happened and I can’t stop thinking about him. I miss him. I just want to go back to that place; where things were comfortable. It’s too late for that now. Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to leave it be...I’ve done all I can do (including calling and e-mailing - and now this). The ball is in his court, right?
Posted by Jessie_b :: 1:46 PM :: 1 comments

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Wednesday, October 27, 2004

I Love Boys

I can’t help but love boys. As I sat and watched the Red Sox win the World Series (the first time since 1918), I couldn’t help but enjoy the moment where the guys were just being... guys. Their enthusiasm, their camaraderie, their testosterone, their boyish-ness, all of it was enticing. I just wanted to scoop them all up in the palm of my hand and give them a kiss. It’s in these moments when I truly enjoy being a woman and watching all of these grown men turn into the little boys we used to make fun of on the playground. Ahh, what a site.

Moreover, I can’t help but love the men who love watching these men. Sure, I had no one here (besides my non-sports enthusiast roommate) to watch the game with me. But there were all these cameras that would show live shots of guys in bars, celebrating. I loved them too! It's as if a wave of pheromones seeped through the television set, into my eyeballs, made their way down to my nose and into my heart. ...It was a warm and tender feeling, reminding of just how much I LOVE BOYS.
Posted by Jessie_b :: 10:08 PM :: 0 comments

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---------------oOo---------------

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Hi there! I'm Jessica...



Posted by Jessie_b :: 8:58 AM :: 0 comments

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---------------oOo--------------- Welcome to my LIFE

Let me tell you about my weekend. I guess as most weekends go, it started Friday night. I had to work late, so that had already put a damper on things - I was tired. But then I got to come home and get ready to go out with Scott. On the drive from Palos Verdes to my hometown 'hood' I started to rehearse what I would say to him. "Scott, it's just not working out. I need space." You know, the line. "It's not you, it's me... blah, blah, blah." It's all bullshit, really. The ironic thing is that everyone knows it - there are skits, plays, television shows, movies, books, you name it written on how it truly is you. But anyway, I digress. So Friday night doesn't go so well - Scott comes over, we go to dinner (where I paid, by the way), we come home, we break up. Now, another funny interjection: we had dated for a week. I saw him three times and the guy was practically proposing marriage. I felt suffocated. I had to break up with him, yet, we were never quite together. I was relieved when he finally walked down the apartment hall and out of my life.
So then it's the weekend - officially. I had to drive my grandmother to the airport early Sunday morning, so my parents came out with her on Saturday night to have dinner, spend quality time, and of course - drop off the luggage. Yes, we are the Griswold's and yes, I love it. I still go home at least once a month to see them. It's always nice to go home to get laundry done, eat well, and sleep until all hours of the day. Oh and we usually fit an outing in there as well - a movie, typically.
Now that I have made some free time, I am sitting here letting Divine Inspiration take hold. Welcome to my Life. My name is Jessica and the reason I'm doing this is to prove (once and again) that I am the most normal girl on the planet, and still single. I live in a suburb of Los Angeles. It's officially called Westchester but I consider it to be the Nexus of the Universe. I love it here. There isn't a beach, a mall, a club, a bar, a restaurant, or a tourist that isn't within a few miles. I was born and raised in Southern California and I have to say that it certainly isn't the Devilish place that the rest of the world seems to think it is. It's quite sexy, in fact. Anyone is welcome, with their thoughts and opinions included. There is so much to do and so much to see that I don't understand how anyone could get bored.
The point of me writing this is simple. Beyond being the most normal girl out there, I have also decided to document my single-life. I'm at an age now where most of my friends are in serious relationships, if not married. Babies are on the way and so are cottage cheese thighs. I feel pretty good - I've got a lot going for me. But the one thing missing is that special someone. So... here we are. I will walk you through my journey of finding Mr. Right and when he puts that diamond on my finger and the "I Do's" have been said, I guess I'll have something to reflect upon. Another thing is that when stuff like this in the movies happen, usually Mr. Right comes walking up on the street and voila! ...Maybe this is just another feeble attempt at speeding the process along. Hey, I'm willing to try anything...
No, I'm not desperate. I've actually done quite well for myself. I've dated a lot, kissed my fair share of "boys" and even a few men, have slept with a few of those, and fell in love once. Pretty good, huh? Now before you write me off as either a slut or a prude, just know that I was always cautious and most of them were in relationships. Nah, who am I kidding? I had a helluva great time with those guys and I can't wait for more! I'm even taking up to reading the guide to the Kama Sutra - just so that things can get even better. Oh yes, my friends, someday some guy is gonna have it r-e-a-l-l-y good. Where was I? Of those men, only one has truly had my heart. His name was Joe. Joe meant the world to me. I was young and naive and everything was great. I guess you could say we were high school sweethearts, but that term seems so old fashioned. He was my first, my only, true love.
Joe Coleman... ah, perfection wrapped in a 6'5" man of steel. We met when we were fifteen years old. For the next three years, my life was consumed by him. We did everything together - every weekend. He was my bestfriend in the true sense of the word. I remember and cherish the smallest things the most - falling asleep in his lap while watching football. We would go to romantic dinners, play spoons with his sisters, watch stupid television, chase each other around the house with Nerf guns, spend hours looking into one another's eyes, laugh together, make dinner for each other, come up with new ways of doing old things, go to Disneyland to people-watch, teach each other new things, play in the snow, sleep until one o'clock on a Saturday, play in the rain, dance like fools, cry over each other's pain, talk about how life was good, share stories, read books to one another, go shopping together, make tapes for each other, have family BBQ's, dunk each other in the pool, hold hands, and talk about how great our future would be, together. He was it. He was all of it. And more. I've never loved someone so deep and I never have learned as much as I did since being with him. He was the greatest friend and lover I've known. I miss the hell out of him. I heard that he is about to be engaged to some bitch named Materialistic Lauren. (I don't really know if she's a bitch, it just makes me feel good to think so.) It won't work out and that gives me solace.
Joe and I dated through high school and then college came. College was good, but I didn't date as much as I should have. I think so much of that was due to my feelings, still, for Joe. Even though he wasn't physically there, he was always THERE. Some of that may still linger today. It's hard to get over that one. If you don't know what I'm talking about, just wait. There's always that one - unless you are lucky enough to marry him. Joe is still in my heart and on my mind. It's recognizing that I miss the memory of him. I don't know who he is anymore. I knew him when we were sixteen years old. We're both into our twenties now and life can really change a person. I know I'm not the same. He's since moved to Las Vegas, makes bucco bucks, and does whatever he pleases, but I don't think he's really happy. Who knows, like I said, I don't know the guy anymore. I've all but given up those dreams of that sixteen year-old girl.
Yes, I'll always love him. Until these shadows fall, I'll be waiting out there for my true companion.
I would want nothing more than to meet the ONE and be done with the dating scene. Consequently, that would also make him the last of my under-the-sheets best-buddy. However, I'm usually a pessimist and don't think that will happen. Yes, Prince Charming is dead. Along with chivalry. Did you read the part above, where I paid for Scott's dinner? That wasn't the first time either (remember, we only dated three times). I'm not saying that I need to be romanced or catered to, but come on. I'm a somewhat wanna-be sophisticated woman who wants a man to pay for most of the dinner. We all know that going Dutch doesn't work.
My best guy friend, these days, is Zak. He's my logical, analytical, give it to me straight guy. He's the best. In fact, Zak is the most reliable and honest friend that I have. I don't think he knows how much I appreciate his friendship, but I'm so glad to have him around. He's got it all - he's funny, he's smart, he's good-looking (although he will contest otherwise until you're both blue in the face), he's got a good grip on reality, he's got a good job, good friends, he's independent, basically, he's got it all. Well, except the girl (of course). I really don't get it - how can the most normal people who have lots going for them NOT be in relationships? I can call Zak and vent about these issues, because I know he will understand and empathize.
Okay, so I've resorted to the Internet - whatever your feelings on that may be. I've met a few nice guys from it, but for the most part - they're just like most of the other men I've met: BASTARDS. As Meg Ryan says in French Kiss, "All men are bastards." She's so right. No Prince Charming in any of these toads, but what was I to expect? Oh, I don't know, that one might be DIFFERENT! Dammit.
Now, some of you may wonder why Zak and I aren't together. It's simple, really. We are way too incompatible. True story. Zak and I are too different, in too many ways, that the relationship would already be doomed.
I went to a wedding a few months ago. As luck would have it, I got to sit at a table with another single person. (Funny how they always put the single people at their own table - like "hey, aren't we clever?") His name was Brett. Because it was an out-of-town wedding, we stayed up half the night and promised to get together once we got back home. And we did - and it was good. HE was good. I guess he didn't feel the same way about me and that ended before it really began. What a shock -- you know, this part of the story seems to re-tell itself time and time again. I think I'm supposed to be learning something along the way, but I haven't figured it out just yet.
So, now summer is gone and I'm a year older (26). It's been an insane year and already it's mid-October - the Holidays are coming up, fast. I'm left feeling more alone than ever. I have great friends and family, but just want someone to get excited about when I come home. (As a good friend says, "I just want someone to give a damn at the end of the day." Yeah!) My job is really the only thing that I'm passionate about anymore - which isn't so bad, but I need a life outside of work. So, my friends, here we are. Welcome, to my Life. It's a good life, don't get me wrong. It's just... missing something... If you're still reading, wish me luck as the journey continues!
Posted by Jessie_b :: 8:57 AM :: 0 comments

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---------------oOo--------------- Family Portrait


This is my family - my dad, me, my brother (at his Marine Corps boot camp graduation), and my mom. Words could never express how lucky and fortunate I am... I love my family more than life, itself.

Posted by Jessie_b :: 8:56 AM :: 0 comments

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---------------oOo--------------- A quick introduction

The photographs you see here are all somewhat recent, and most of them have self-explained captions.

I work in higher education with an all-female staff. I truly adore my colleagues and feel very lucky to work in an industry that I believe in, wholeheartedly. I travel A LOT for my job - so my schedule tends to be erratic. I have good road stories, though, and I tend to meet a lot of interesting people along the way... I'm sure I'll have something to share in the near future.

My closest friends are Zak and Carrie. (You'll see a bunch of photos of Carrie's daughter, Katelyn.) Zak lives in a suburban community outside of Chicago and Carrie lives with her husband and daughter in San Jose. I miss my friends - but that's what happens when we get older, right?

We all know I'm single... At the moment, I can't say I'm dating anyONE in particular. Those closest to me say that my dating life is similar to the phrase, 'feast or famine'. It's true: I either am dating n-0-b-0-d-y or at least four people at a time. Even though I've been given opportunities in recent days to be in an exclusive relationships, nothing has been quite right. I don't know - maybe I'm just too picky. ...I suppose this is an area I should explore, soon... Hmmm... Moving on...

I won't have a chance to post anything for a couple of days, but I wanted to get everyone up to speed on who is who and why these photos are up here... Plus, I always find it more interesting to look at people and get to know the writer by those who they choose to surround themself with.
Posted by Jessie_b :: 8:55 AM :: ---------------oOo--------------- Zak


This is my best friend, Zak. We're still trying to master the art of self-photography in this one... Much can be said about friendship - but I think I'll just leave that to another day.
Posted by Jessie_b :: 8:20 AM :: ---------------oOo--------------- Introducing... Katelyn


This is my adorable "neice," Katelyn (she's the daughter of one of my dearest college friends). Isn't she lovely?
Posted by Jessie_b :: 8:18 AM :: ---------------oOo--------------- Katelyn... #2


Here's another one of Katelyn... she's sooo cute!
Posted by Jessie_b :: 8:17 AM :: ---------------oOo--------------- Friend/Colleague (It's all the same, really)


Vilma and Jessica, December 2003
Posted by Jessie_b :: 8:14 AM :: ---------------oOo---------------