Most Normal Girl

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Random Thoughts - As Usual

Some days are just random. That seems to happen a lot with me. Most of my days, are in fact, random.

Coming off a long weekend, we were to have a "planning" day at work today. That means of course, that once everything gets "planned," we get to go home early. I left at 2:30pm this afternoon and it was great. I decided to stop by the gas station, the bank, and the video store, because I knew it was going to be another few days before the rain would let up and allow any human who is not yet water-logged with all those pruny fingers and toes to get anything done. I told you it was a random day.

Between the bank and the video store, NEW GUY called. I love it when NEW GUY calls. I love it even more when I look at my phone after NEW GUY hangs up and I see that we've been talking for one hour, one minute, and ten seconds. I was sitting in the parking lot outside the video store but I was one hundred miles away. He does that to me. What makes it even better is that we talked about something near and dear to my heart - the thing that makes me passionate about my work: Education.

Coming from a small family where education was the primary focus (and not just because my dad is a high school teacher), we often talk about the nature of education, where we're headed, politics of spending on education, and blah, blah, blah. It always turns into something heated where everyone is left frustrated and wondering, "how did we get on this topic, AGAIN?" NEW GUY brought different points to the table today. I enjoyed being able to have this intellectually stimulating conversation with someone who hears me, wants to know what I think, has differing views, has wonderful ideas, cares about what I'm passionate for and wants to share that with me. I walked into the video store reminded of how wonderful it is have moments like these.

So then I get home, pull on the sweat pants, pop the corn, make the tea, light the fire, and roll the film. I had decided to rent Garden State because I like independent quirky films (I should just stop there, but I also rented the movie because NEW GUY said that he liked it). It's the kind of movie that depicts regular people in real life situations dealing with emotions and worries that others can relate to. And even if you can't relate to the characters or the incidents, there's a piece of genuineness and real-ness that makes it a worthwhile story. Of course I liked it and of course it got me thinking... Some movies just do that to you.

What am I feeling in my own life?
What is bothering me?
What is making me happy?
What do I obsess about? And why?
What would I give up for that one special thing?
Where am I headed? Do I like that path?

NEW GUY said something interesting today in the middle of the conversation. He said that he was content to live an ordinary life - a life that isn't flashy, full of prestige, a life with family, a life of connectivity... I think it was stated in some sort of collared shirt metaphore (wink, wink). I want that life, too. Something ordinary, not too flashy, a life spent with a partner and a friend, where I can come home to children, and leave knowing that I will always be connected to loved ones.

To answer my own questions:
** I have no idea what I'm feeling in my own life. It changes from day to day, hour to hour, moment to moment. Right now, I feel safe in my apartment; content with my life. I close my eyes and hear the sound of the rain on the window. I can hear music in the background. My feet are cold, but my chest is warm. I can smell a candle from the other room. My mind is racing.
** I'm bothered that I will always have more questions than answers.
** Writing all of this is making me happy.
** I obsess about LIFE because that's all there is to really care about, once all is said and done. I don't know much about any of it.
** What would I give up for that one special thing? I really don't know... my job, material objects, comforts, money, sleep... I wouldn't/won't sacrifice myself or those that I love. To me, that is my LIFE.
** I'm headed in a good direction of the unknown. I'm glad I don't know.

The rain is really coming down hard now. I think I'll go make more tea.

Posted by Jessie_b :: 8:25 PM :: ---------------oOo---------------