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Thursday, December 16, 2004Not So Fun
Depression is a serious and misunderstood disease. I know, because I live with it every day of my life.
My symptoms didn't start becoming evident until my late teen years. And even then, it was hard to identify.
A number of things have happened in my past which should be good enough "reasons" as an excuse for depression. But there is more to it than that. For the most part, I believe depression is genetic. While there is no "cure" there are ways of treating it. Medication, which I'm on; Therapy, which I've done; Exercise, which I do; and positive reinforcement, which is hard to come by.
Tonight, as I sit in my office an hour and a half past 5:00pm, the depression is getting to me. Somewhere, the hormone levels in my brain aren't adjusting themselves and, as a consequence, I can't stop crying. Coupled with the fact that I'm a glutton for punishment, all I can think about are those things which make me sad. I know that there are things to help pull myself out of this mood; but it's hard to get motivated to do. Of course I want to feel better. If I had it my way, I would never feel like this. I also know that come tomorrow, I'll be fine.
I'm always FINE and don't you forget it.
Even when things are going well, I can find myself feeling lost and alone. It's a terrible and almost impossible thing to live with. A terrifying roller coaster with more twists and turns than anyone should have to endure. I know that this night will pass and that tomorrow will bring new hope for a better day. Every day is an opportunity for "better" things.
It has taken me just over five years to write this post... it was started in December 2004 and I finally finished it in January 2010. Depression still plagues my life - even though all is well and there is much to look forward to. This disease takes hold and never lets up... it's still awful. And there are days when I'm just sad.