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Thursday, December 15, 2005Thoughts
I need to write. I haven't had an outlet all week.
Procrastination seems to be my friend - at least, these past few days I've snuggled up to procrastination in a way I've never done before. I think a lot of us in this cohort have. Not because we aren't interested or invested in what we are doing -but rather, we're all experiencing a certain level of burn-out.
So much of this place is about the physical, intellectual and emotional investment that one has to put in. All too often, I find my Spirit waning in the face of pressure or expectation. Part of me wants to do well - perhaps prove to myself, and others, that I deserve to be here. But the other part feels like throwing her hands up in the air and succumbing to the stress and intensity. There is a true balancing act that one has to endure to be successful; I haven't found it yet.
Coinciding with all the school work is the lack of connection to all that I hold close to my heart. I never realized how much I could miss someone's face. I miss Blair. I miss my mom's hugs. I miss hearing about my brother's hijinx at school. I miss my dad giving me advice on life and not to take things so seriously. I miss good, crappy, food. I just miss HOME - all the things that were comfortable and WONDERFUL at the same time.
My support network of friends in this program have been exceptional. I found a few people who I feel that I can really connect to - the only problem is that our time is limited and it's difficult to truly get to know someone under such stress. We all need each other, but in some ways we don't know how to talk to each other. At times it feels forced.
Today is my very last class of the first semester. It's gone by fast - but not fast enough. Looking back on all that I've learned, gained, and experienced, it's been good - I never have learned so much from so many professionals in such a short amount of time. I feel like I will be that much more of an asset to the workforce when my time is done. I've even started to think of the monetary value I should have when looking for new employment. It's easy to put a price on my worth - I would like to think I'm invaluable.
The snow has been on the ground for 10 days now... I wonder when there will be a time that I won't see it. I often think about my Graduation day next June.. who will be there? What will I be feeling? Who will I miss the most? What will be my next steps? How will I close this chapter of my life and what will I bring with me?
These are things I like to think about while staring out the window, on a Thursday morning, writing in the library and about to head to my last class of the semester...